Every Man’s Battle Podcast
with JJ West & Doug Barnes
When Withdrawal Feels Safer than Love: Finding Safe People and Community
Monday, February 16, 2026
📻 START YOUR WEEK WITH HOPE ON 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙣’𝙨 𝘽𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙋𝙤𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙩Recording from the Intimacy in Marriage Workshop, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes continue their conversation on acting in, the quieter counterpart to acting out. In Part 2, they move from definition to application—exploring why acting in matters even if a man has stopped acting out, how it often grows out of childhood trauma responses, and what it looks like to move toward safe, honest, connected relationships instead of isolation and passivity.In this episode, they:Review acting in as a survival response that pushes people away to avoid shame, fear, and perceived danger.Explain why stopping porn or affairs is not enough if a man keeps hiding emotionally.Offer practical steps for taking small relational risks, finding safe people, and building the kind of community that sustains long‑term sexual integrity.☎️ 𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐒 & 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍:“Why does it matter if I’m acting in if I’ve already stopped acting out?”JJ and Doug address the honest question many men have: “Isn’t it enough that I’m not looking at porn or going to massage parlors anymore?” They explain that authentic recovery has two parts—behavioral sobriety (not acting out) and relational/emotional recovery (learning to connect with God, self, and others). If a man stops acting out but keeps acting in through withdrawal, anger, passivity, or overwork, he remains disconnected and highly vulnerable to relapse or substitute addictions.“How is acting in a trauma response?”They describe acting in as a protective survival strategy often formed early in life—sometimes in critical homes, sometimes through coaches, teachers, or circumstances that taught a child, “It’s safer to be small, silent, or invisible.” A situation that looks minor to an adult can feel massive to a 5‑ or 9‑year‑old, whose entire world is that classroom, family, or team. Over time, the child learns that staying hidden or compliant feels safer than being seen, challenged, or exposed, and carries this into adulthood as automatic acting‑in behavior.“What happens internally when I stop acting out but keep acting in?”Doug notes that stopping acting out allows previously numbed emotions—shame, fear, inadequacy—to “bubble up,” raising a man’s internal emotional temperature. Without porn, affairs, or other escapes, he feels the discomfort more intensely, and his brain reflexively reaches for familiar acting‑in patterns like stonewalling, lying, blaming, isolating, or passivity to turn the heat down. If he doesn’t grow in emotional awareness and connection, acting in becomes the new way he medicates his pain until, eventually, sexual acting out often returns.“What does acting in look like beyond obvious withdrawal?”Beyond classic hiding in the garage or working late, they highlight subtler forms of acting in:Passivity when there is relational risk (“If I don’t say anything, I can’t fail or disappoint”).Getting critical or picking fights to push a spouse away into a familiar script.Over‑serving at work or church to feel safe and in control while avoiding deeper conversations.These behaviors can look “responsible” or “spiritual” on the surface, but are often driven by fear of rejection or exposure underneath.“How long does it usually take to move from reaction to response?”Drawing from their recovery work, JJ and Doug explain that early on a man only notices acting in after the fact (“I blew up” or “I disappeared again”). With consistent work in recovery groups, counseling, and community, he gradually begins noticing acting‑in impulses while they happen, and eventually learns to anticipate them before high‑risk situations. For many men who engage the process, this shift in awareness and choice typically happens over 12–18 months, with deeper growth continuing beyond that.“How do I start feeling and naming what’s going on inside me?”They encourage starting small and concrete:Pick one familiar emotion (like anxiety) and practice noticing where it shows up in the body (tight chest, knot in the stomach, clenched fists, shallow breathing).Journal what was happening around you, what you felt, and how intense it was (e.g., “Anxiety 8/10 before a hard conversation; by the end it was 4/10”).Revisit the feelings list often (as used at Every Man’s Battle) and ask, “What do I feel? How strongly? What is it attached to?”This kind of emotional awareness is crucial for recognizing when acting‑in patterns are starting so a man can choose connection instead.“How can I take relational risks when acting in has always kept me ‘safe’?”JJ and Doug stress that relationships are inherently risky but also where healing happens. They recommend:Starting with one trusted, safe person—not everyone—such as a recovery brother, group leader, or counselor.Taking baby steps of vulnerability instead of cannonballing into full disclosure; for example, sharing a small piece of what you’re feeling or reading a short journal entry.Using feedback to calibrate: “Did that feel like too much sharing? Was it helpful?”Healthy boundaries mean learning what to share, with whom, and when; connection does not mean telling everyone everything.“What role does self‑compassion play in overcoming acting in?”They emphasize the importance of talking to yourself instead of just listening to shame, reminding your heart it is okay to be seen, heard, and imperfect. Over time, speaking truth and kindness to oneself helps heal younger “parts” that learned they had to be perfect or invisible to belong. This growing internal safety makes it easier to stay present with others, rather than retreating into acting‑in behaviors when conflict or criticism surfaces.“How do I find the kind of community you’re describing?”JJ and Doug point to the broader New Life ecosystem as a practical on‑ramp. The Every Man’s Battle Intensive offers a structured, three‑day, shame‑free environment where men experience honest connection in small groups led by licensed counselors, and Sustained Victory groups provide weekly, guided follow‑up for ongoing support. For men who feel, “I don’t have anyone safe,” this pathway can become the first place where they are fully known, accepted, and called toward growth.The episode closes with an invitation to live from courage rather than self‑protection—choosing vulnerability and brotherhood instead of hiding—so that acting in no longer sabotages sexual integrity and intimacy.📧 𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐔𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 & 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒Want extra tools and follow‑up content for Season 3?👉 Email [email protected] with “Bonus Content” in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Man’s Battle Podcast resources.Have a question or topic suggestion?👉 Email [email protected] with “Podcast Question” in the subject line.☎️ Need prayer, a counselor, or more info on workshops and groups?👉 Call 800‑NEW‑LIFE or visit NewLife.com for counseling, groups, and faith‑based sexual integrity resources.🎟 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑 – 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐍’𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐕𝐄If this episode highlights how much you live in acting in—even after getting sober from acting out—the Every Man’s Battle Intensive is a strategic next step. This 3‑day, Christ‑centered workshop helps men break the secrecy and shame around sexual sin, understand the roots of isolation and self‑protection, and experience brotherhood that models healthy, honest connection.Use code 𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐏𝐎𝐃 when you register to save on your tuition. If cost is a concern, ask about scholarships and financial assistance when you call 800‑NEW‑LIFE, because New Life does not want money to be the reason you stay stuck.🎧 Discover more ways to listen & watch:👉 Every Man’s Battle Podcast hub: https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/👉 New Life LIVE & other podcasts: https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #ActingIn #ActingOut #ChristianMen #TraumaResponse #Isolation #Community #SustainedVictory #EveryMansBattleWorkshop #NewLifeMinistries
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